The Secret Communication Skill
As an audio learner, I tend to gather information from what I hear. The irony is that I spent a good chunk of my childhood and adult life talking (and thus not hearing much in the world).
In hindsight, I realized I chattered not to be heard (although that is nice) but to process thoughts from my mind, through my mouth, which then came back by way of my ears. It was a clumsy process that did not serve well.
In my mid-40s I launched a business where I began to gather the stories of others to create published books. I work with families, companies, and individuals to write, design, and craft their stories and photos into books to share with others.
Through the collaborative process, I discovered the secret to impactful communication, which it turns out had a lot less to do with what I say. In fact, I became considerably less interested in my own thoughts and opened instead to what I learned through listening to others.
I witnessed the healing that comes of reminiscent therapy, too, where people recall and tell their life stories to a fresh pair of nonjudging ears. But the key, and the core essential ingredient of any effective communication, comes through attention and listening.
Here, I’ll explore how communication can be hazardous without listening kept front-of-mind. Then I’ll highlight the three areas required to cultivate your listening skills so you can more successfully communicate and connect.
Communication Is Precarious
It’s daunting to realize that, whenever we engage with others, we know only a small fraction of the total story. Everything we hear and see is filtered through our internal dialogue and becomes distorted by our assumptions.
We are constantly engaged in a game of telephone where what we hear is different than what has been said. You know how it goes — the words come in and you paraphrase what you thought you heard. We extrapolate a sense of meaning that is lopsided, create a shorthand of context, and then leap forward and speak in return. Our own synopsis is then interpreted through the filters of the listener.
To further complicate communication, our capacity to retain information is limited, too. Per an article at Extension Missouri Edu, studies have shown that immediately after listening to a 10-minute oral presentation, the average listener has heard, understood, and retained only 50 percent of what was said. And 48 hours later, that knowledge drops off another 50 percent, leaving a residual 25 percent from the original source.
Communication takes place in more than the words spoken as well. Mehrabian’s 7–38–55 theory breaks down personal communication into three buckets. Seven percent of meaning comes by way of spoken words, 38 percent via tone of voice, and 55 percent of meaning is driven by body language.
How To Listen
Communication is a messy endeavor, and listening isn’t given enough attention. The best antidote to poor communication and misunderstanding, however, is to speak less and listen more.
As I began my practice of interviewing clients, I discovered the three components that facilitate a better quality of listening in any environment from interviews, friendships, and social settings.
1. Prepare physically for listening: Often we ignore the signals from our body that we are tense. Check in for your own physical signs of tension. Do your legs jiggle as you sit? Are you tapping on a surface? Are your arms crossed over your chest? Let go of pent-up energy. Begin by squeezing your neck muscles and then release. Tighten and loosen muscles this way down the rest of your body. By eliminating physical stress, you allow your mind to focus and send body language cues to the other person that you are open and listening.
2. Pay attention to listen: It seems obvious, but listening requires the decision to do it. When you invest to listen, focus on the words, the body language, and tone — and do so without judgement. Be curious in your heart and open to what you hear and see. Listening is an adventure where predetermining (i.e., assuming) outcome diminishes the experience.
3. Silence is golden: As you lean in to listen, be sure to nod and acknowledge what you hear. Ask the occasional open-ended question, but then allow for silence. The space where there is quiet is a time of reflection, and often the next thoughts are the most revealing for both listener and speaker.
The Gift of Listening
I realized the impact of listening when I stepped away from my past as a talker. Understanding the speaker-listener dynamic is important. Early on in my interview career, I discovered the hard way that bringing the interviewer style to conversation isn’t for every day. However, listening is of value no matter the situation.
In a world where communication is generally fraught with the peril, and where we speak over each other without understanding, the less used skill of listening goes largely ignored. If we make listening the priority, we allow for understanding, and tamper down the assumptions that cloud thinking. In the process of listening, we gain more in what we learn and give more by acknowledging others.
Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash
